Have you ever felt depleted? Empty? This year has been extremely hard for me. The past six months, in particular, have been the hardest I’ve been through and most of it was under the surface because I didn’t want to publicly call out the friend that caused my pain. So I’ve dealt with it quietly and mostly alone. I wish I could say that I feel so much closer to the Lord now than when it all began, but that’s not true. Even though I know he’s been with me and even though I’ve continued to seek Him through this struggle, I’m not yet at the place where I can see what His purposes are. I feel like I just woke up from a bad dream and realized it wasn’t a dream. But at least I now feel awake. I think I’m on the other side of this struggle and that gives me hope. But I’m going to be fully honest about how I feel. This was my prayer journal entry this morning. (I write my prayers to God to avoid doing my grocery list in my head while I’m supposed to be praying).
Lord, I feel depleted. Empty inside. Like I have nothing to give. Like the dry, parched desert sand I’ve seen pictures of. It feels like that is my soul. How will you heal that? To pour on your full power would be like power washing the desert. It would be a mess. So I guess I need a small trickle of your soothing liquid love. Something slow and meandering through those cracks. I won’t feel it everywhere at once. It will take a while to reach all those parched places. But I have faith and trust that it will. In my mind’s eye, I can see a verdant green field with wild flowers blooming and breezes blowing. I know that is my future. So I will not beg for a torrential downpour. I will not pout and stomp my foot and say, “Give it to me now!” Like Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka.
I will wait patiently for you to do the work you need to do.
That is my prayer today. That is the most honest thing I’ve posted in six months. Thanks for reading 🙂