photo credit: Patrick Hoesly on Creative Commons

My Most Honest Post

photo credit: Patrick Hoesly on Creative Commons

Have you ever felt depleted? Empty? This year has been extremely hard for me. The past six months, in particular, have been the hardest I’ve been through and most of it was under the surface because I didn’t want to publicly call out the friend that caused my pain. So I’ve dealt with it quietly and mostly alone. I wish I could say that I feel so much closer to the Lord now than when it all began, but that’s not true. Even though I know he’s been with me and even though I’ve continued to seek Him through this struggle, I’m not yet at the place where I can see what His purposes are. I feel like I just woke up from a bad dream and realized it wasn’t a dream. But at least I now feel awake. I think I’m on the other side of this struggle and that gives me hope. But I’m going to be fully honest about how I feel. This was my prayer journal entry this morning. (I write my prayers to God to avoid doing my grocery list in my head while I’m supposed to be praying).

Lord, I feel depleted. Empty inside. Like I have nothing to give. Like the dry, parched desert sand I’ve seen pictures of. It feels like that is my soul. How will you heal that? To pour on your full power would be like power washing the desert. It would be a mess. So I guess I need a small trickle of your soothing liquid love. Something slow and meandering through those cracks. I won’t feel it everywhere at once. It will take a while to reach all those parched places. But I have faith and trust that it will. In my mind’s eye, I can see a verdant green field with wild flowers blooming and breezes blowing. I know that is my future. So I will not beg for a torrential downpour. I will not pout and stomp my foot and say, “Give it to me now!” Like Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka. 

I will wait patiently for you to do the work you need to do.

 

That is my prayer today. That is the most honest thing I’ve posted in six months. Thanks for reading 🙂

Love,

rebekah

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14 thoughts on “My Most Honest Post”

  1. Beautiful, my friend. I can’t help but wonder if these sorts of things break God,s heart more then any other. He created us to be in relationship with Himself first, then each other. It is the very essence of why we are here. Not to get preachy! But in John 13:34-35 when Jesus says that the way the world will know Him is if we can love one another, I think how simple is that! I find loving a hurting world easy compared to loving a sister or brother who has ripped my heart out. Yet God tells us that that is how the world will see Jesus. Praying for you. Love you!!

  2. Praying for you today. I’m praying Psalm 91:4 for you…

    “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”

  3. Thank you for sharing your struggle this morning rebekah. It’s nice to know that your not alone during a situation and it def takes a lot to express your feelings openly especially with being a Christian I know I sometimes feel like I am supposed to be happy and joyful all the time and put on a good face every time I leave the house, even if inside my heart is aching. I will be praying for you my dear friend. And again thank you for being courageous and opening up ur heart.
    Love you girlie!
    Jenn

    1. Love you too 🙂 And yes, there is a temptation as a Christian to act like everything is fine all the time. That was my heart for this blog in general…to bring honesty to the conversation. To give people a place to say to each other, “Hey, me too! You’re not alone!”
      Thanks for being part of that conversation!

  4. I so appreciated reading your post. It’s an encouraging reminder that we all go through times like this -i am now, in fact-but we can trust in a God who is faithful and loving and continues to work on us in the midst of our trials. There is such freedom in making oneself vulnerable – a
    lesson I have needed to learn over
    and over again. Thank you for your honesty. It encouraged me today.

  5. Sometimes, being honest with your feelings is the first step……often though, sharing them and bringing them into the light is where the healing begins. That was a beautiful prayer to a God who loves you.

  6. Rebekah your honesty is what keeps me reading your posts. I love how you just put it all out there. Also you may not know this but most of your posts I feel like are God using you to speak to me. So thank you for being Gods instrument in my life.

    1. Angie, it’s comments like yours that keep me willing to be vulnerable and honest 🙂 Because I figure if I’m going through it, someone else probably is too. The unspoken theme of my blog is “You are not alone!” Thanks for reading (you were my first blog follower, you know!)

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