I’m wondering what is in store for this new year. I’m anticipating. Almost on pins and needles. I’m excited because I know I am in a new place, about to embark on new adventures and I have no idea what all of this will look like. So even though the control freak side of me wants to have charts and pictures and spreadsheets, I can let go of that and say, “Bring on the adventure, God!”
I’m coming out of a very long winter. And I don’t mean the blizzard kind that has swirled around Buffalo and much of the country this first week of the new year. No, I mean the emotional, spiritual kind. The kind that has had me questioning everything I ever believed and spending so much time confused and sad. The kind that had broken relationships and a broken heart. The kind that had me pulling the covers up over my head, not wanting to think about anything, anymore. That kind of winter. It’s a pretty crappy place, really. But I can still say I’m thankful for it.
I’m thankful because I feel more real than I have in a very long time. I feel hopeful about what God has in store for me. I feel free to doubt and question and learn and rest. I am in awe of a God who loves me no matter how many questions I ask him.
My son, Eleven, (no, not his real name. If you’re new to my blog, I call my kids by their ages. Just go with it.) As I was saying, Eleven is a question asker. He pretty much talks non-stop. It was cute when he was three. Now?
It drives me freaking ahem…not so much. (I do love him dearly, though. Even when I have thoughts of duck taping his mouth for five minutes of peace, I still find him adorable.) Okay, no need to call CPS. I wouldn’t actually duck tape his mouth shut, sheesh! But I have offered him money to be quiet for a whole five minutes. Let’s just say, his piggy bank has never grown from this challenge.
Back to my point, Eleven’s questions are limitless and sometimes, this can become annoying. His baseball coach of three years, gave him a three question limit per game. I thought that was brilliant and fully supported it. But all of this is to say that I’m glad God doesn’t give me that three question limit.
There was a time that I would have done fine with the limit. I didn’t ask many questions. I just did what I was told. Accepted status quo. Cuz I’m a good obedient girl and I want everyone to like me. If questions came to mind, I put my figurative fingers in my figurative ears and said, “Nanananana…I can’t hear you.”
But one of the best things I’ve learned in this chilly, snowy winter is how to ask questions. I think God likes it. He’s up for the challenge and I just have to learn to be comfortable in the uncertain time between the asking and the answering. He’s not much of a texter (my favorite language). Sometimes he takes a reeeeaaaalllllyyyy long time to answer. It’s okay. I’ll just ask some more questions while I’m waiting. 😉
So, back to the beginning…I’m really excited. I think spring is here (sorry that’s not physically true…it’s awfully cold out there right now!). I can’t give you exact reasons for why I think spring is here. It’s more of a feeling than a fact. But it’s a lot of little things adding up to a new outlook, a new plan and a new me. Actually, not a new me, just a new emerging of who I really am…who God has created me to be. Not the girl who worries about what people think or the girl who prefers not to rock the boat in case people don’t like her for it. Not the girl who crawls back into bed because it’s easier than facing the day. Not the girl who lets other people’s opinions have way too much real estate in her mind. No, that girl is boring and I don’t like her. You all don’t see her much cuz she keeps herself well hidden. But she and I have spent way too much time together. I’m done hanging out with her. There is no place for her in the springtime.
So, there you have it. What’s up with me. I will get more specific and more concrete over time. I’ll share with you what’s new, what’s upcoming, what I’m learning, etc. over the course of the next few months. For now, I just wanted to let y’all know that I’m excited for this new year!
How bout you, my friend? What kind of season are you in? What are you heading toward in 2014?